Another day, another Rudy Giuliani conference — and though this one wasn’t sandwiched between a crematorium and an adult bookstore, it didn’t disappoint in terms of complete and utter farcical madness.
Backgrounded by three American flags and sweating harder than a turkey at Thanksgiving, Rudy took the stage to announce the next twist in the bizarre defense of Donald J Trump: it was all a commie plot from Venezuela. “We use a Venezuelan voting machine to count our votes,” he said. “If we let this happen, we’re gonna become Venezuelan.”
In Michigan, trucks pulled up full of trashcans filled with ballots in the dead of night, he added. Of course, the polling station wasn’t fully deserted, because it was election night; happily, it was staffed with witnesses who came forward to tell Team Trump it had happened. Who are the witnesses? Well, he can’t say, because if we were allowed to know who they are then they would no doubt be subject to “targeted hatred” from Democrats. You’ll just have to take Rudy’s solid-gold word for it, and the word of one of the only lawyers who hasn’t recently quit the Trump team. But those other lawyers only quit “because they were being harassed” anyway, and that’s the media’s fault.
It was at this point that eagle-eyed viewers may have noticed Rudy’s hair dye begin to leak down the side of his face.
Lots of people voted who didn’t exist, he continued. There were “numerous double voters, numerous out-of-state voters. Children voted.” No, we don’t need to show any evidence of it. What are you, a socialist?
“This is a massive fraud, it isn’t a little teeny one,” continued Giuliani, using that watertight courtroom rhetoric we’ve come to expect of him. There’ll be a “major lawsuit filed in Georgia tomorrow”. There’ll be another in Arizona. There’s also going to be one in New Mexico, and one in Virginia. “There are other aspects of the fraud which at this point we can’t reveal,” he continued. But it’s “more than enough to overturn any election.” All of this makes complete sense, because if you have any actual evidence that the bizarre conspiracy theory you’re pushing could be credible, you probably should be modest enough not to reveal it. The thing with objective evidence, rather than speculative theories about communist intervention on a global scale in an American election, is that you really should keep it under your hat. Especially if you’re planning on going to court.
They “put Republicans in pens and corrals,” Giuliani added. It happened in Detroit, Milwaukee, Las Vegas, Phoenix, Atlanta! It didn’t happen in “neutral areas” or “Republican areas”. It was only in traditionally Democratic-voting areas that the votes came in against Donald Trump! If you took those counties away, then states like Georgia would go Republican and Trump would win the election! Doesn’t that seem suspicious to you? Doesn’t that seem like evidence that something’s not right?
“These crooks have stolen an election from Donald Trump,” Rudy added, toweling himself off one last time. “They elected Donald Trump, they didn’t elect Joe Biden.” All through a very simple process of collaborating with multiple communist countries across the world, dumping ballots into polling stations in front of witnesses, and getting 15,000 people per county in every swing state silently involved. I hate to speculate on election fraud but wouldn’t it be a little simpler just to… fudge the numbers? I’m not entirely convinced this is how China does it.
Up next was Sidney Powell, one of the only respectable-seeming people left in the Trump clown car, who wore a leopard-print cardigan and a statement necklace. There’s been a “massive influence of communist money from Venezuela, Cuba and probably China,” she said, adding that the voting machines were made “under the direction of Hugo Chavez”. Antifa was also involved, somehow. Those Venezuelan voting machines are “easily accessible to hackers” and “kids with cellphones,” something Powell learnt about — and you can too! — from “videos on the internet”. But who are the commies, then, Sidney? Is America teeming with left-wing teens compromised by South American leaders who are just waiting to hack into voting machines? What about the trucks of ballots? What about the Republicans in pens? Why did they need to be caged and corralled if the hacker kids were what did it all along? Come on Sidney, give us a narrative!
The idea that Chavez might give Biden a quick call in the months preceding the election is, nevertheless, a fascinating one, not least because he’s been dead since 2013. “I say, Joe, listen, I have a plan you might just love!” he could start out with. Or perhaps, “Listen, Joe, we’ve got your best interests at heart.” Or perhaps he — with Xi Jinping, Miguel Diaz-Canel and Kim Jong-un gathered round, giggling and jostling for position like schoolkids at a sleepover — somewhat sheepishly started out with, “I don’t suppose for a moment…”
Clearly, being the black-balaclava’d socialist renegade that he is, Biden will have jumped at the chance. And he wouldn’t have been at all surprised that zombie Chavez was calling from beyond the grave, because everyone knows communists gain eternal life if they drink the blood of an innocent capitalist during the witching hour.
One imagines that the president-elect replied, “I’ve been waiting for an opportunity to activate the child weapons I created in a lab fifty years ago when Castro and I first discussed it. They’re implanted with expert hacker chips — though of course we won’t actually need them because we already snuck in the Venezuelan voting machines decades earlier.”
And they would have gotten away with it, if it weren’t for that pesky Giuliani!
Giuliani details on the election fraud
In the states we have indicated in red, Georgia, Pennsylvania, Michigan, Wisconsin, Nevada and Arizona, we have more than double the number of votes needed to overturn the election in terms of provable, illegal ballots.
Look at the lawsuits, look at what’s alleged, look at the affidavits. We have a thousand at least. It’s our job (as reporters) to read these things and not falsely report that there’s no evidence.
What they swear to is that at 4.30am, a truck pulled up to the Detroit centre where they were counting ballots.
The people thought it was food so they all ran to the truck. It wasn’t food – it was thousands and thousands of ballots, and the ballots were in garbage cans, they were in paper bags, they were in cardboard boxes. They were taken into the centre, they were put on a number of tables.
Every ballot they could see, every thing they could hear, these were ballots for Biden, and when they saw a ballot, these were ballots only for Biden, meaning there was no down-ticket.
Many of them didn’t have anything on the outer envelope because these ballots were produced very quickly, very swiftly, and they’re estimated to be minimum of 60,000, maximum 100,000.
Many of them were triple-counted, meaning they were put into the counting machine once, twice, three times.
What happened on the morning of November 3? Did every Democrat leader in Pennsylvania, Michigan, Wisconsin, Georgia, Nevada and Arizona, did they all wake up separately and have the same idea?
That we are going to put Republican inspectors in pens and corrals, we’re not going to let them look at mail-in or absentee ballots? I think the logical conclusion is this was a common plan, a common scheme, that comes right from the Democratic Party and candidate. That’s the reason why he probably didn’t have to go out and campaign – he had to have known that they were going to do this.
We use largely a Venezuelan voting machine, in essence, to count our vote.
If we let this happen we’re going to become Venezuela. We cannot let this happen to us. We cannot allow these crooks, because that’s what they are, to steal an election from the American people.
Trump campaign senior legal adviser Jenna Ellis Speaks out on the FAKE media reports
Excuse me, we’re not up to the questions at this point… we’re not at the questions at this point.
What you have heard, I’m sure, in the fake newspapers tomorrow will be one of two things. Either there was not sufficient evidence that we presented, or we spoke too long. What you’ve heard now is basically an opening statement. This is what you can expect to see when we get to court to actually have a full trial on the merit, to actually show this evidence in court and prove our case. This is not a ‘Law & Order’ episode where everything is neatly wrapped up in 60 minutes.
This is basically an opening statement so the American people can understand what the networks have been hiding and what they refuse to cover, because all of our fake news headlines are dancing around the merits of this case and are trying to delegitimize what we are doing here. Let me be very clear that our objective is to make sure to preserve and protect election integrity.
If your fake news network is not covering this or allowing you to cover it fairly and accurately, you should ask yourself why. This is absolutely a legitimate, legal basis.
I would be allowed to, because of the fake news coverage you provide. You are not unbiased jurors and until you step out of your role as a journalist and actually go into a courtroom and you are a judge on a bench, that has sworn an oath to be unbiased in our separation of powers, then your opinion doesn’t matter. The facts matter, the truth matters and if you are fair reporters, you will cover that fairly and appropriately and you will allow coverage… of our legal team.
I’ve seen all of you taking pictures right now and I can anticipate what your headlines are going to be. If you are not willing to talk about the evidence that has been presented, then that is absolutely unacceptable for journalistic standards. The American people deserve to know what we have uncovered.
You, the press, should cover this fairly and should know that this matters to election integrity and it matters to the future of our nation.
Edited by staff